How to Get Along with Your Kids: 10 Steps (with Pictures) (2024)

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Co-authored byJulie Wright, MFT

Last Updated: June 18, 2023References

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   Focus on bonding time. Taking the time and energy to bond with your young child will improve their behavior and lead to fewer tantrums or disciplinary problems. This will greatly improve your relationship with them and help you get along better.^[1] Try making bonding a part of your every day routine. Even something as simple as talking to your child before bed each night can go a long way in helping your relationship.^[2]

   • Carve out some time each day, or as often as you can, to do something they love with you, like coloring or playing catch.
   • During your time together, focus on giving positive feedback rather than always trying to correct or improve them.
   • When you’re spending time with your kids, resist the urge to look at your phone, and make sure you don’t let any other responsibilities interfere with your quality time.^[3]
   • Give specific compliments – “You’re doing so well at sharing your toys,” for example – to build their positive self-esteem, encourage their good behavior, and help them feel like they enjoy spending time with you.
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   Really listen when they want to talk to you. We all lead busy lives, and sometimes parenting can feel like a 24-hour job crammed into an already full day. But it will vastly improve your relationship if your child feels like you really take the time to listen to them.

   • Use your time in the car together to talk and listen, rather than playing music.
   • Put your phone, computer, or other distractions away for a few minutes each day and give your kid undivided attention.
   • Use active listening techniques (such as rephrasing your child’s main points and using verbal and body-language cues to show you are paying attention) while listening to your child. This will not only show your child that what they have to say is important to you, but will also teach them important listening skills.
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   Let them have choices. As your kid grows out of infancy and into childhood, it’s important to start letting them have agency and the ability to make some small choices of their own.^[4]

   • Allow your kid to make some simple decisions, like what outfit to wear or what kind of snack they would like.^[5]
   • If your child seems overwhelmed by their options or if you want to limit their choices, offer a few specific options for your child to choose from. E.g., instead of “What do you want to wear?” ask, “Would you like to wear your red dress or your yellow dress to the recital?”
   • Let them accomplish small tasks on their own, like opening their own juice box or tying their own shoes.
   • This not only builds their confidence, but helps prevent you two from butting-heads or having a power struggle over small issues.^[6]
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   Communicate instead of yelling. It can be hard not to lose your cool and end up shouting at your child, especially when they are being stubborn or misbehaving. Yet, it’s vital to stay calm and find alternative ways of getting your point across and correcting their behavior without resorting to yelling.^[7]

   • Stress the importance of using words, like “I’m angry,” to express emotions instead of using actions, like shouting or hitting things.
   • Take a deep breath, count to 10, or even walk away from the confrontation to avoid blowing up and yelling. Taking a moment to collect yourself and sort through your emotions will help you to respond to your child in a more productive way.^[8]
   • Model this behavior for your child in addition to telling them this is how they should act, too. Do what you say as well as what you preach.^[9]
   • Show your child that it’s okay to take self-imposed time-outs when they’re upset. When you’re upset or overwhelmed, say something out loud like, “I need a few minutes to myself.” Then, go sit somewhere until you cool down.
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   Focus on what you like about your kid as a person. It can be helpful to sometimes think of your kid as their own person rather than just your child. Focus on their qualities and virtues that you would enjoy in a friend and use these to fortify your relationship and help you relate to them.

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   Validate their feelings. "Validating" your child, at any age, means confirming that their feelings make sense and accepting their feelings in a non-judgmental way.^[10]

   • When one feels validated they feel respected and heard, which are foundational elements for any good relationship.
   • Let your child know that they can express their feelings about anything -- school, friends, even you -- without you judging, shaming, or thinking badly of them.
   • Acknowledge that their problems matter, no matter how big or small they seem to you. Teens especially have problems that might seem silly or small in their parent’s eyes but are huge in their lives at that moment.
   • Don't make your teen feel like their feelings are misplaced or don’t matter; this will strain your relationship and lead to resentment rather than bonding.^[11]
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   Respect boundaries. Once your kids hit their late teens, the parent-child relationship should change a bit too and reach a new balance where you two can get along more as friends.

   • It’s natural and important for older children to need new boundaries, privacy, and even distance from their parents.^[12]
   • Support your older kid’s need for having their own vacation plans with friends, for example, or not wanting to spend every weekend with you.
   • While this change might feel like a loss of intimacy, these new boundaries are essential for your child to become an independent adult, and you will get along with them a lot better if you respect this.^[13]
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   Set some new ground rules. Even though they're grown, it’s still important to have some ground rules concerning how you and your grown kids should treat each other with mutual respect.^[14]

   • If you have some specific things you would like from your child -- such as always answering a text or email marked as “urgent” -- let them know.
   • Ask them if they have some in return for you to follow -- such as not calling them before 10AM unless urgent -- and agree to abide by this.
   • Agree to disagree sometimes, and recognize that it’s okay if you don’t get along 100% of the time or agree about everything. What's important is that you both love and respect each other anyway.
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   Don’t give unsolicited advice. Sometimes your adult kid will ask for your input and advice, but at other times your silence will be golden.^[15]

   • Exercise restraint and respect by not asking too many intrusive questions -- especially about personal non-harmful topics (like their romantic life). If they want to share, they will!
   • Instead of being pushy or nosy, which can push your kid away and strain your relationship, let them know that you’re always available to talk or even just listen whenever they need you.
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   Treat their romantic partners well. It can be really difficult when your adult child becomes seriously involved and attached to a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner. This is especially the case if you don’t particularly approve of or “like” them.^[16]

   • Unless it’s for serious, potentially harmful reasons, respect your child’s choice and their shifting relationship priorities that follow.
   • Don’t make it an issue if they want to spend more time with their significant other. Be supportive and loving to them both and they will naturally respect and want to include you in their adult lives.

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