When College Parents Should Step In
Sara Pennington
Dear Parent
Letting go of your freshman is a difficult task. As a college parent, you hate to watch your freshman needlessly suffer. You want to step in and rescue him. While stepping in and fixing your child’s problems may seem the best way to show your freshman love, parenting expert and family doctor Deborah Gilboa believes “trust is a far better expression of showing [your freshman] that love.”
Sometimes, however, a college parent does need to step in and take action to help a freshman solve his problems. Learning when and how to step in can be a difficult task. If your freshman can solve his problem, do let him. But, if your freshman is any of these 4 situations, you most likely need to step in and help your freshman.
Situation #1—Your freshman is in danger.
Depending on how much your freshman typically shares with you, you may be uninformed of situations facing your freshman. If you think your freshman is in immediate danger, contact student affairs, campus security, or the local authorities (if the situation requires immediate involvement).
If you hear a passing comment in a phone conversation that concerns you, ask more questions. Try to get the fuller picture. Your student may be embarrassed or hesitant to share his experience, so tread lightly.
Who was present when this situation occurred?
How many times did this situation occur?
When did this situation occur?
What behaviors made you feel uncomfortable?
Be sure you understand the legal definitions of terms like bullying, harassment, and stalking. Knowing the definitions may guide you as to how you and your freshman can take action.
According to stopbullying.gov, bullying is “unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance.” While your child is not considered “school aged” any longer, your child may still be experiencing bullying. Sometimes this aggressive behavior occurs online (cyberbullying). If students with physical or social dominance repeatedly act aggressively toward your student, consider contacting student affairs.
Harassment, according to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, is “unwelcome conduct that is based on race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy), national origin, age (40 or older), disability or genetic information.” If you are unsure whether your child is technically experiencing harassment, reference this resource. Informing yourself of your student’s rights will help guide you and your freshman’s actions.
According to the National Institute of Justice, stalking is “a course of conduct directed at a specific person that involves repeated (two or more occasions) visual or physical proximity, nonconsensual communication, or verbal, written, or implied threats, or a combination thereof, that would cause a reasonable person fear." Your freshman may experience stalking from random individuals but may be more likely to experience when he does not return romantic affection for another student. The perpetrator may repeatedly send unwanted gifts even when asked to stop, spread lies about your student, or threaten to destroy your freshman’s personal property. Immediately contact the appropriate authorities before this behavior escalates more.
Because of the pressures of academics, students often struggle with self-doubt or student imposter syndrome. After gaining some confidence, many freshman rebound and stabilize. Sometimes these behaviors develop into extreme anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. As a general rule, act sooner rather than later. If your student expresses suicidal thoughts to you, contact student affairs.
Because of academic and social pressures, some students develop poor eating habits. They may eat at irregular times or skip an occasional meal, but this behavior can become more serious. Inform student services especially if your freshman has a history of eating disorders or other forms of self-harm. Encourage your student to get connected with counselors and to receive the help he needs.
Because of a busy schedule and poor time management, your student may struggle to get enough sleep. While many students are sleep deprived, some students will go days without sleeping. This is extremely unhealthy and can lead to serious mental and physical issues. If your freshman is experiencing extreme sleep deprivation, inform student affairs.
Situation #2—Your student is struggling socially.
Your child’s first year of college is filled with adjustments. Adjusting to the cultural norms of college life can be particularly challenging. If your freshman did not come to college knowing anybody, he probably struggles to feel like he belongs or fits in.
Some adjustment is definitely normal; however, if your freshman continues to struggle socially you may want to contact student affairs. Constantly choosing to be isolated may indicate a bigger issue, like depression, so keep communication open between you and your freshman.
If your freshman has an incredibly difficult roommate, dig deeper in your conversations. Try to determine if your child is merely still adjusting to living with people or if more serious issues are present. Ask questions like these:
How are you getting along with your roommate?
What behaviors specifically frustrate you?
What are you learning from living with your roommate?
If at all possible, try to help your child resolve his issue with his roommate directly. When you get someone else involved, roommate issues may only become worse. If his roommate is stealing from or endangering your freshman, encourage him to talk to his RA or contact student affairs.
If your freshman struggles to connect with other students still during his second semester, be alert. Encourage your freshman to take initiative and be friendly. If he continues to struggle, consider contacting student affairs. A deeper issue may be behind these social issues. Ask them if they have noticed similar behaviors and ask for recommendations as to how to help your freshman.
Situation #3—Your student is “off.”
Your freshman has changed since arriving at college. He has grown up, gained some confidence, and learned to manage more responsibilities. Even though he has transformed into more of an adult, you still know him fairly well. If you start noticing unusual behaviors, talk to your freshman. See if you can get him to open up to you about what’s really going on.
If your freshman is open with you, you may learn the real problem immediately. Many freshmen, however, are hesitant to share with a parent or struggle to know how to articulate or identify their true problems. If you still feel concerned after asking questions and listening, consider contacting student affairs.
For example, if your freshman is typically an extremely outgoing and communicative person, take notice of dramatic changes. If he becomes extremely isolated and nearly silent in phone conversations, something is probably not right. Try to ask questions, listen for cues, and offer advice when requested. If this odd behavior continues for weeks or even a month, consider contacting someone in student affairs. This may be a symptom of a deeper-rooted and more serious issue.
If your freshman is typically an easy-going and laid-back person, take notice of sudden and extreme changes. If he becomes extremely anxious, stressed, and frequently ill, he may be struggling with mental or health issues. Encourage him to see a school counselor or medical professional about these sudden changes.
Situation #4—Your student is performing poorly academically.
College academics are usually much more difficult than high school academics, because college life includes much more than academics. It includes time management, organization, autonomy, and more personal responsibility. Most college freshmen initially struggle with adjusting to the rigor of college life and classes.
Your child will probably not earn the same grades as he did in high school, which is perfectly normal. However, if your child is normally a straight-A student and he is consistently earning Ds and Fs on almost every graded assessment for several weeks, be aware.
While some academic adjustment is to be expected, a dramatic shift in his grades may be a sign of another issue. Under-age drinking, drug use, or health issues may be at the root of his grade struggles. Have honest and open conversations with him. Express your concerns and listen. If you believe mental or physical needs may be at the root, encourage your freshman to receive medical attention.
Striking a balance as a college parent is difficult. You don’t want to prevent your child from learning adult skills, but you also don’t want your freshman to come to harm or be taken advantage of. Watch out for symptoms of bigger issues. When necessary, inform student affairs and get involved.
